On the brink

Moving to NYC has been an amazing experience in so many ways.  I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since my last blog post - time flies like crazy when you're having fun.  There has been so much going on in my life, job applications, dating, friends visiting, visiting family, and on and on.

With everything that's been happening, I feel like I'm right on the brink.  Of everything.  I'm on the brink of finding an amazing job...  or on the brink of finding a mediocre job for now with an amazing job in the works on the horizon.  I'm on the brink of finding a fantastic man who inspires me intellectually, keeps me giggling, makes me feel beautiful, and gives me goosebumps, who wants to be in a relationship.  I'm on the brink of almost figuring out exactly who I am and who I want to be and coming to terms with all of that.  

The other night I went out with my bff Lauren who was in town, and my roomie Matt.  Lauren went home either to get pretty and go out with a local man that she met via online dating or to go to sleep because she and Dominic left early the next morning.  Matt and I were at one of our favorite local haunts, Branded.  I sang a couple of very raspy karaoke songs (and got a compliment from a nice old lady who said, "Even though your voice is blown out, I could tell you sing well and I look forward to seeing you back here once you recover.") and ended up sitting at the bar with Matt and my favorite bartender at Branded, Alex.  Alex has this amazing ridiculous white-man-afro thanks to his Italian roots and hipster tendencies.  I have never really wanted curly hair, but dang, I do admire a good head of curly hair.  ***I interrupt this thought to mention that I found my first grey EYEBROW hair yesterday.  What?!?!  My eyebrows are now going grey!?  Not cool, body, not cool.  Carry on with your previously scheduled blog.***  So Matt and I somehow get to talking about life and jobs and my hormones and the whiskey got to me and I had a good ole bar-cry.  

For those of you who are reading this blog because my life is way different than yours and you don't know what a bar-cry is, let me enlighten you.  A bar-cry is when you sit at the bar with a good friend, probably with a glass or two of wine or beer or in this particular case some whiskey (I'm learning to love the brown stuff again) and you talk about a sensitive topic and tears come to your eyes and you surreptitiously wipe them away when they fall down your cheeks as you deep share with your friend about life and its meaning and how your favorite boots gave you a blister the other day and you feel betrayed.

But seriously, I had a fantastic chat with Matt and he listened and asked good questions and gave me supporting comments while I talked about some of my deepest fears and frustrations and got really vulnerable.  Alex was kind and let me and Matt talk and eventually joined in and also had some great words of advice and encouragement.

One of my greatest strengths is also one of my biggest weaknesses.  I put bad or negative feelings away in a file drawer in the back of my mind, so that I can push forward and survive and stay positive.  This works well when I have little bumps in the road, but I have been unemployed for six months now and I have a lot of negative thoughts in my head and I needed to get them out.  I absolutely feel and know that this move to NYC was meant to be and I am destined to be here and my experience, knowledge, and skills will be put to use in their very best way soon enough.  But there are moments where I feel intimidated, useless, lame, like a loser, dumb, lame, all of these horrible negative words that are not true in the least bit.  I am a powerful, smart, vivacious, gregarious and passionate woman and I know that I am here for a purpose.

Megan made a good point to me the other day, my career thus far has been pretty great, progressing fast and furious through the years.  I mean, I was a Vice President at Bank of America before I was 30 years old.  Sure, there are a bunch of VPs at BofA, but it was a significant accomplishment and I will always be proud of that.  Megan also said to me, "Maybe this is just your time to be humble, to start over, to reevaluate and remember what it means to work hard."  That really resonated with me.  Maybe I was just too cocksure of myself, maybe this is God's way of saying, "Whoa girl, I gave you talents but let me remind you of where you started."  Whatever His plan is, I'm fully open to it and I'm ready to get back to work.

I am a little superstitious right now so I won't share all the details, but today was a day full of great progress in regard to jobs.  And believe you me, this girl is determined to make her mark on NYC.  This great city needs a joyful, obnoxiously optimistic, honest, meticulous Californian and this city needs her bad.

These days, getting a job is top of my mind.  But I'm still enjoying every moment here with Megan, Matt, our friends, and even extended family that I'm meeting for the first time.  My depression is completely gone and I feel strong, happy, determined, and I know I'm right on the brink.  Keep those prayers coming, because everything is about to fall into place.