No, it's not the playoffs yet (which is when I usually cry about football). But here I sit, with tears streaming down my face, doing the weird cry breathing.
Ok, to be fair, I might be under heavy influence of hormones and be missing my parents and be thinking way too much about what I don't have in my life yet, which is never smart to do when you're a lady coming up on that particular week.
Last week, I recorded a TV show on ESPN, "The Book of Manning." I took a break this morning to watch it, and man was it worth it. As a football fan, you have to be crazy to not recognize the amazing legacy that the Manning family has created. I knew a little bit about Archie Manning, and of course I know about Peyton and Eli, but I really had no idea about the family as a whole. This film is really about the family relationship, above all. Sure, Archie Manning was an amazing football player, a star quarterback in high school and college, and an NFL quarterback for 13 seasons. Amazingly, all three of his sons excelled in football and made their own names (even though Cooper had to give up his football career due to medical challenges). But what really got to me was the relationship between Archie and his sons.
I loved that Archie didn't make a big deal about his own football success and focused on being a dad and raising good people. It broke my heart to learn that Archie's father committed suicide, but then my heart was warmed to see that Archie was committed to being affectionate and supportive of his own sons, in a way to make up for the lack of a relationship he had with his own father. I'm grateful that both of my parents have been unconditionally supportive and loving, even when I was a huge jerk or making a decision that they didn't agree with. I have never doubted that my Mom and Dad love me - they told me often and showed me with their actions and their words. I feel so blessed to know without a doubt that my parents love me, I know there are many people who can't say the same.
Clearly, I'm a lucky girl. I have fantastic parents and a great relationship with my one and only sister, Megan. So then why was I crying? I think I was just having a pity party moment. I'm a positive and happy person a lot of the time, because I tend to lock away or ignore feelings that make me sad or regretful so they don't hold me back. I'm grateful for the life I have and I know that the choices I've made are a part of my history and that there's no point in focusing on what I could have done or what I don't have. But this blog is a sort of therapy for me and so I guess I should share some of what goes through my head when I'm not all smiles and sunshine.
Understanding that there is no magic genie that grants wishes, that I'm in charge of my own destiny, and that I can't change the past, here's some of the thoughts that came to my mind while watching this show... I wish I had gone to a big football school, somewhere in the midwest or the south, where the passion for your alma mater is undeniable and something that you pass on to your children. I wish I had graduated in four years. I wish I was married and raising boys of my own to be the best person they can be. At this point in my life, marriage and children are not even a blip on the horizon, and that hurts more than a little bit. I know I'd be a great wife and mom, and it feels like my time will likely never come. I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong. I wish I found something early on that I was so passionate about, like the Mannings are about football, something that I could pursue with devotion and energy. I feel very lost right now about what I want to be when I grow up, even though I feel like something great is right around the corner.
I know I'm having a hormonal moment, because overall I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. I'm back on a regular exercise routine and I have started at 12 week weight lifting regime that is making my muscles pleasantly sore. I love weight lifting, it makes me feel strong and healthy and gives me a different feeling than the intense cardio of spin or the calm strength of yoga. I'm still eating healthy and taking my vitamins and supplements. I have my daily routine and I'm sticking to it. So even though I'm continuing the activities to help keep that dark monster of depression at bay, I had a good ole cry today all thanks to football.
Whew, I feel better after getting some of those thoughts out of my head and into this digital journal. Now it's back to the job-hunting grind, networking with family and friends, and preparing for some upcoming fun, October is going to be a fun and busy month!
Tonight I have a Meetup with the Park Slope Girlfriends at Pork Slope, and considering that pork is my favorite meat - I can't wait. This weekend my cousin Robin and her hubby Will (they celebrated 7 years of marriage this week - congratulations!) are coming into town for a wedding and are staying with us. I am so excited to host them in our beautiful apartment and to bop around NYC with them. And in exactly a week, my BFF Lauren and good friend Dominic will have arrived and settled in for a week of fun with me in NYC. I'm glad I got that hormonal cry out of the way, because I need to make room for lots of laughter that's in the future!
Oh, and if you get a chance - check out "The Book of Manning." It's really a great story, although I can't guarantee that you won't shed at least a couple tears.
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